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Advice 2
Confused by a straight guy
Dear Gus,
I came across this guy while I was working as an estate agent. He offered to help me by giving me some driving lessons. I thought that day he was gay and I liked him immediately, not just because of his handsomeness, but because of his kindness.
After the first lesson he asked me home. We listened to some music, read books, I even had the first cigarette in my life (I'm 27!) When he asked if I would like to stay the night, I was delighted to accept this offer.
In the middle of the night he started acting funny, like kind of sleeping on me. He made a comment that he didn’t 'do guys', but he didn’t stop.
To cut it short, we finally made love. In fact within four days of being friends I slept in his home three times and had sex all night.
He thanked me for it, said it had opened his eyes, but he didn’t want it to continue. But that night it happened again and I tell you it’s not me who initiated it.
My problem is that since I had sex with this guy all other people are like rubbish to me. I have lost interest in this ‘regular’ who I see. It’s been three since I last had sex with this guy and I don’t feel like seeing anyone else.
I am very confused because the person I want says he is straight but we have had sex four times. I really like him, but he has said if sex continues between us, our friendship is at a risk. What can I do?
Confused guy
Dear straight-man’s-plaything,
Let’s get one thing gin-clear from the start. It ain’t you who’s confused.
This charming man inveigles you to his house and into bed (he didn’t suggest you slept on the sofa, I notice) announces he doesn’t do blokes, and then proceeds to do you very satisfactorily, ALL night, FOUR times (be still, my beating heart!).
Then he turns around and says that’s enough Doris, if you get pushy I’ll fuck off and make it your fault. Confused, toi?
I think, my dear, you have just been treated like a whore and personally I’m a bit cross about it on your behalf.
Where do we even begin with the bi-curious, the closet stud, the fuck-blokes-but-it-don’t-mean-I’m-a-poof brigade?
Well for a start, let’s admit to the sheer thrill of getting a bit of straight-boy dick. We’ve invaded foreign territory. We’ve availed ourselves of the unavailable. Dammit, we’re so gorgeous even the het boys want us. What could be more intoxicating? Do I sound like I’ve been there? You bet I have.
The trouble is, unavailable usually turns out to mean just that. Available for a thrill but absolutely nothing more.
There are about four different explanations for het boy’s confusing, and confused, behaviour.
The first and most brutal possibility is that he’s gone off you and is letting you down not-so-gently by doing the ‘I don’t do blokes’ stuff. In this case it’s more than likely to be bolstered by vast amounts of internalized homophobia. He probably does fancy blokes – but only if they’re straight. Poor, sweet, loving, emotionally-direct you is just too gay.
Secondly he could just be a dominant horndog who admires himself for being able to shag anything. For lo, I am the stud of all studs; all bow down, even guys, before the power of my mighty todger.
The third type is the reverse of this – the straight sub. These guys don’t fancy men, really, but they do get a big fetishistic thrill from being shagged by them. What a dirty dog I am! I even go with blokes! Unh-unh-unh!!
In these three cases, what’s really happened is that you didn’t actually have sex with this guy. What actually happened is that you were a prop for a nice little porn fantasy he was running in his head. He had sex with himself.
I’m almost reluctant to mention the fourth possibility because it holds out some hope, and personally I don’t think there’s a birthday-cake-candle glimmer of it. Maybe he does like you but is just too confused and horrified by his attraction to go any further.
But if that is the case, his homophobia will mean that the more you pine and bat your eyelashes at him, the more scared he’ll get. Your only chance is to act as butch as possible, treat him with glacial indifference, and hope he comes panting after you. However I feel there’s not much chance of that. I kinda guess that being butch and uncaring isn’t in your repertoire (the detail of the first cig at 27 is a bit of a giveaway – sweet).
So, unfortunately, I suspect the only thing to do is to realize that however nice he is, he’s going to be too much trouble, and resign yourself to bedding nice, sweet, caring, keen, gay men. Does that sound too awful?