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Advice 5
Lonely this Christmas
Dear Gus,
Please help, I don’t know where to turn. I’ve been going steady with my boyfriend for two months now, and he’s suddenly changed overnight.
We both have said we love each other, though he lives in another town and we see each other once a week.
We both live with our parents so physical emotions don’t really get played out much. But he has hinted at finding somewhere for both of us to live.
Recently however he said that I’m too much for him. He has cancelled three meetings with me in a row.
On Christmas Eve he said he would call me Christmas Day. Where was my call? Still no call, no text by Boxing Day. I texted him asking when I would speak to him. “I’ll call u later,” he replied.
Later came and went, so I sent a message to him this morning saying I was sick and tired of it. He did call me, but left a message saying I had to sort myself out.
What is going on? I really love him and want to stay together. He is ill and has family commitments, I understand. But I want to stay in this relationship with him, as I truly do love him!
Cheers, lonely this Christmas
Dear lonely,
There’s no nice way to put this, I’m afraid. This relationship is over. Finito. This guy is not in love with you and is shying away like a startled racehorse.
Now, I can tell your tone you’re a bit frantic, so let’s be nice. It’s all very well him saying you need to sort yourself out, but that’s not taking responsibility for ending it. If he had doubts, he should have let you know sooner. Three meetings cancelled before Christmas? If someone did that to me I’d tell the bastard to fuck right off out of it and be back in the chatrooms, or wherever you hook up.
However, I’m not sure it was ever a going concern – as least not in the way you wanted it to be. It sounds a flirtation was taken by you to be a marriage proposal. It wasn’t.
There are portents, my love, runes to read. What’s with all this texting? If texting isn’t the least committed, most minimal “I’m so busy but I can spare you THREE WHOLE WORDS cos I luv u” means of communication ever invented, I don’t know what is. If this guy loved you he’d be phoning from his office every spare moment, spooning sticky nothings into your earpiece.
There’s even another way to read the living-together hint. “Physical emotions don’t get played out…” If there was real sex in the air, my dear, raw animal passion, parents or no parents you’d be bonking in his car, you’d have knee-tremblers behind the dustbins, you’d be fucking in the park. In the snow. The “only in our own double bed” thing is an excuse for avoiding sex.
OK, now the hard bit. Sit down. Deep breaths.
In your original email, which I’ve edited, every sentence ended like this! With an exclamation mark! It was like being shouted at! If that’s any reflection of your normal way of carrying on then I’m afraid you might need to sort yourself out a bit.
Isn’t it interesting that when he finally does phone you back, you’re not there to receive the call? Hmm. Might you just be a tiny bit of a control freak, warping relationships (and men) into the fantasy you have of them in your head, rather than seeing them as they are, tender things that need to be nurtured with patience and understanding?
As it is, my dear, I’m afraid he now thinks you’re Glenn Close and his pet rabbit is destined for the stockpot (yeah, I know, you were seven when Fatal Attraction came out).
Now go and find someone who actually does think you’re horny, and for Godsake, next time, give it a chance.
Gus